Whitney Houston’s Comforter and a Blogging Award

7 Feb

Facelikeafryingpan nominated me for the Versatile Blogger Award. She is awesome and the only reason that I would ever visit Canada. I used to think that Nickelback was the only cool thing outta our Northern neighbor, until I read her blog. She is also the only person who I think is more random and/or has a worse case of ADHD than I do. She describes herself as a female Danny DeVito. Reading her blog, The Embiggens Project, is boss, especially with post titles like “A Petrified Hot Dog, A Lesbian Horse, and a Foot Named Mildred.” Thanks, Daniella DeVito. Muah. http://theembiggensproject.wordpress.com/

A female Danny DeVito.

A female Danny DeVito

When you get nominated for an award, protocol is to nominate some other bada$$ blogs and to tell 7 rando things about yourself. Since my whole blog is a spewing of random things about myself, I really had to scrape off the resin from my brain for this one. Under each random fact is a link to a blog that I’m nominating. There may or may not be a correlation between the fact and the nominated blog–see for yourself.

1. I used to want to be a rapper. My rap name was “The D child.” I remember asking my mom if I could swear in one of my raps–if I could say “shit.” She said no, so I smacked the ho. As a kid, I wanted to be black. In 3rd grade, my 3 best friends were black girls. One was named Banika and everyday at recess I tried to learn double dutch from them. In fact, for Halloween that year, I was a fly girl.

That's me with the red hat

That’s me with the red hat.


2. I don’t use spoons to stir my coffee. I used to drink a pot of black coffee a day. And then I started getting heartburn so bad, that the flames would rise just from the scent of coffee beans. When I was in Salt Lake City last summer, I stopped at Alchemy Coffee, the only neat thing in that creepy city. I got whole fat cream in my pressed coffee. I became a convert in Mormon town. A month later, in Chicago at a training convention for the AmeriCorps job that I quit, I sat across from an old army vet at the breakfast table. We were the only new “volunteers” over 23 years-old and not trustafarians. I saw him put cream in his coffee first without stirring. He said that he’s been doing it for years and it saves on dishes. I became a convert in Chi town.

Gingersnap Trusta

Gingersnap Trusta only drinks fair-trade coffee, organic cream.


3. I fly like paper, get high like planes. If you catch me at the border I got VISAs in my name. If you come around here, I make ’em all day. I get one done in a second if you wait. I really don’t, but this song is stuck in my head right now. But, seriously, no one on the corner has swagger like me, and that’s the truth.


4. I think that Reese Witherspoon looks like a fetus. And Qdoba burritos are the size of them. When I was 8, after watching the scene in the Bodyguard where the detective goes into Whitney Houston’s bedroom and says that the perp “masturbated on her comforter,” I asked the neighbor boy, Pablo, what masturbating was. He told me that it was another word for pooping. I turned around, went home, ate a lot of watermelon, and masturbated for the rest of the day.

"Not on my comforter...It's all in me. Chaka Khan!"

“Not on my comforter…It’s all in me. Chaka Khan!”


5. I like to call strollers “buggies” or “carriages” and shoveling snow “vacuuming snow.” I blame it on my dad’s broken English. My mom doesn’t talk much and my dad never stops. My mom also knows a lot about cars and my dad cooks more than she does. It’s safe to say that I didn’t grow up around traditional gender roles.


6. In another life, I’m a dancer and a choreographer. In another time, I’m a silent film actress. In another country, I’m a Brazilian dancer at Carnival. In another world, I don’t have to use words to communicate; I don’t ever have to enter the cerebral realm to make my money.

I love green.

I love green.


7. Pirates skulls and bones…



7 Responses to “Whitney Houston’s Comforter and a Blogging Award”

  1. mikereverb February 8, 2013 at 3:15 am #

    In another world, I can booty clap my way to success.

    We should put out an album of our freshest raps. You’ll be “The D Child” and I’ll be “The Peddle File.” Mo’ money, mo’ money, mo’ money.

    Here’s a quick wrap:

    Uh, yeah, uh.

    Oh, and I nearly masturbated Bodyguard style when you called Reese Witherspoon a fetus.

    All these nominations; what will the neighbors say?

    Thanks, for the shoutout, homie. 🙂

    • Anna F. February 8, 2013 at 10:28 am #

      I’ve held a 10-year promise to myself to make a hero out of the first person who makes a joke out of child molestation. And you sir, just earned an award much more esteemed than a Versatile Blogger Award.

      Are you like me and funnier via the written word? Because you remind me of how medicinal laughter really is. And I’m building the courage to post the rap vid that I made a month ago that involves booty-clapping, a leopard print night gown, and Juvenile’s “Back that Thang Up.” Stay tuned.

      • mikereverb February 11, 2013 at 7:25 am #

        What an honor! I’d like to thank all the scarred children of the world for fueling my humor.

        Man, I wish I was funny in real life or in writing. Your writing’s hilarious though. Makes me guffaw and shit.

        Do share the video. I love “Back that Thang Up” and sometimes leopard print night gowns. “Girl you looks good wontchu back that ass up / yous a big, fine woman wontcha back that ass up!”

  2. Nic February 7, 2013 at 10:02 pm #

    LMAO! Loving the randomness and absurdity in your writing. And thank you again!

    • Anna F. February 8, 2013 at 10:29 am #

      Yup. Thanks for reading and for sharing writings that don’t make me feel so alone in my neuroses. 🙂

  3. facelikeafryingpan February 7, 2013 at 5:18 pm #

    Thank you x 1000! Holy crap! I thank you for you kind words. But I actually look more like a cross of Danny DeVito and your pal Gingersnap. Seriously. But, apparently, it’s still better than Reese Witherspoon. You rock. And who’d have thought that there was a correlation between watermelon and masturbating?

    • Anna F. February 8, 2013 at 10:28 am #

      Well, it is a wonderfully delicious fruit. Thanks for reading, supporting, and nominating! Read you soon!

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