Pot Brownies for Thanksgiving: An Ode to Party Animals/Toasts for the Holidays

21 Nov

As I near 30 and my prospects of having a family are dramatically dwindling, I’m beginning to see who I really am. After quitting my teaching job (I really miss the fat gay boy who’d sit in my class even though he wasn’t in it), I’ve had a lot of time to reflect on the trajectory of my life. And that shit is depressing. I mean who quits 3 jobs in one year? My friend summed it up when he told me I was non-committal and asked if I have a fill-in-the-blank resignation letter. Dick. After a solid week of laying in bed crying and mustering up the courage to visit the Red Box, I’ve resigned myself to my true essence: a spinster who’s more irresponsible than her teenage nephews. And what to do with it but embrace it.

I could let my single and childless status really depress me on the holidays, but I’d rather own that shit. And what a better time to do it than on one of the biggest party nights of the year: the night before Thanksgiving. In honor of all the single, irresponsible, high-functioning potheads and borderline alcoholics out there, let’s make today the real holiday of thanksgiving. Tonight, let’s give thanks to the party animals, losers, and dropouts who came before us and paved the way for the food, pot, and beer comas that we’re all about to get into. Let’s serve pot brownies for Thanksgiving and pray to the gods of partying. Let’s raise our Pabst cans and cheers to the guys who really understood that responsibility is overrated and that there’s no better time than now:

The Dude (The Big Lebowski)

“Here’s to White Russians, parachute pants, and abiding.”

Wooderson (Dazed and Confused)

“Here’s to high school girls staying the same age as we get older. Alright, alright, alright.”

Adam Demamp (Workaholics)

“Here’s to getting weird and swole with it.”

Spiccoli (Fast Times at Ridgemont High)

“Here’s to bringing pizza to a class that isn’t your own.”

Kramer (Seinfeld)

“Here’s to feeling good all of the time.”

Ferris (Ferris Bueller’s Day Off)

“Here’s to looking around and not missing life when it moves too fast.”

Tommy Callahan (Tommy Boy)

“Here’s to chocolate melting inside the dash and a brain with a thick candy shell.”

Droz (PCU)

“Here’s to being the guy who wears the shirt of the band he’s going to see.”

Thornton Melon (Back to School)

“Here’s to being the old Jewish guy in the hot tub.”

Leslie Chow (The Hangover)

“Here’s to doing so much coke that you’re heart temporarily stops beating.”

Beanie (Old School)

“Here’s to earmuffs and Styx.”

Tom (200 Cigarettes)

“Here’s to Casey Affleck looking like a total fag and acting like shit.”

Dean (License to Drive)

“Here’s to being a Corey Feldman instead of a Corey Haim”

Mitch Hedberg

“Here’s to not wearing green pants if you have a pear-shaped body.”

Reed Rothchild (Boogie Nights)

“Here’s to making margaritas in a Speedo and having curly hair.”

Joel Goodsen (Risky Business)

“Here’s to dancing to Seger and starting a call girl business.”

Penny Lane (Almost Famous)

“Here’s to OD-ing on Qualuudes and making pre-pubescent boys fall in love with you.”

*Party responsibly and call me if you need a really good drunk, designated driver.*

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4 Responses to “Pot Brownies for Thanksgiving: An Ode to Party Animals/Toasts for the Holidays”

  1. facelikeafryingpan November 26, 2012 at 5:48 pm #

    Ahaha…don’t wear green pants if you have a pear-shaped body. OMG! I think I just pee’d myself. You are way too funny.

    • Anna F. November 26, 2012 at 10:11 pm #

      Ha- I wish that I could claim this one, but my pot-riddled brain can’t locate the source. Anyway, thanks for reading and post more about your menses-sh*t makes my day.

  2. sydneyaaliyah November 21, 2012 at 8:24 pm #

    Awesome, totally awesome. Happy Thanksgiving and send over some brownies for me.

    • Anna F. November 22, 2012 at 11:36 am #

      LOL, will definitely do, Sydneyaaliyah! Thanks for reading and enjoy the holidays!

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